Job Application

Going over some papers that could be thrown away, I found my old job appplication to Wal-Mart:

Name: Rogelio Perea

Sex: Not lately, but I'm looking for the right woman (or one that will cooperate)

Desired Position: Company President or Vice President. But seriously whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

Desired Salary: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Lee R. Raymond style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we'll haggle.

Education: Decent enough.

Last Position Held: Target for middle management hostility.

Previous Salary: A lot less than I'm worth.

Most notable achievement: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

Reason for leaving: It sucked.

Hours available to work: Any

Preferred hours: 1:30-3:30 PM Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

Do you have any special skills: Yes, but they are more suited to an intimate environment.

May we contact your current employer: If I had one would I be here?

Do you have any physical conditions that would prohibit you from lifting up to 50 lbs.? of what and how often?

Do you have a car? I think the more appropriate question here would be: Do you have a car that runs?

Have your received any special Awards or Recognition? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

What would you like to be doing in 5 years? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy brunette supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually I'd like to be doing that now.

Nearest Relative: 27 miles

Do you certify that the above is true and complete to the best of your knowledge? Oh Yes, absolutely!

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Fortunately, I didn't get the job.